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From: Jen in San Antonio
Hey there, this is Jen. (yes, I know I'm female and your site’s catered to men, but just hear me out.) A friend of mine sent me your URL because she knows my boyfriend and I are thinking of marriage and it scares me. I don't like you're little test. So my score on your “test” is 3. I am NOT his mother. Don't get me wrong, I love his parents to death. They're the greatest. But I never nag - not even about the trash - that's what kids are for. She calls him in the morning before he goes to work and at least twice before she goes to bed. We don't even live together and I don't call him that often. So here's my question. Yes, I actually have a question, I'm not just writing to complain. Do you really think I'll turn into his mother? I know I get tired of picking up after him, but it's not like he asks me to do it. I just can't cook with dishes in the sink and I can't chop up veggies without dropping something on the floor so the trashcan is always near. He does little things for me and I do little things for him. I don't think our relationship will change. If I was a little scared before, I'm really scared now. I think marriage is a curse. I think we'll just have a party and pretend to be married. Then I have better chances of not walking down the aisle and making the transition. What happens next?
Dear Jen,
You scored a three before you two are married? Watch out for the Mommy Mindset- it is insidious and in many cases irreversible.
As Professors of Matrimony we’ve studied these phenomena and by reading your question we have some thoughts for you to consider:
1.Your hubby-to-be may be searching for a Mommy (some guys actually do that). He talks to his mom on the phone 2-3 times a day? Sure, she calls him, but he doesn't duck the calls?
2.You pick after him but it’s OK because he doesn’t ask?
3.You “can’t” cook with dishes in the sink?
Standing alone, numbers 1 and 2 don’t represent anything insurmountable, but the combination of 1,2,and 3 is daunting. Even though you seem well suited you may both be falling headlong into the Mommy Trap as outlined in one of the early chapters of our best-selling book. Before you know it you’ve become a cloistering wet blanket of over-attention.
Take heart! We do like your plan of having a party instead of a wedding, always a good choice. Also, buy our book and review the final chapter on the Three Year Plan. It may be the safest way for the two of you to proceed.