Advice from the Professors

Monkey Business

From: You don't want to know.

Question

During a recent conversation with “Mommy” I mentioned that I masturbate every once in a while. She went into shock! “Why would you do this when you have me?" she asked. After thinking about how to answer, I went with the truth. I told her I was watching a show on television when I got home from work, and the show featured these awesome super-babes competing in a swimsuit competition. As no one was in the house, I thought: "What the hell?”

I believed my honesty was commendable but the resultant confusion and anger does not give me much incentive to be honest again. I mistakenly thought “it” was a normal thing for both men and women but again was left asking:

What Happened?

Comments

Dear Spanky,

Don’t believe all those mommy mags with headlines like “The Big O in Ten and a Half Seconds” or “G Through Z, Finding All Your Spots.” Most mommies just don’t have the kind of sex drive to handle those tight corners, let alone burn rubber.

You’ve committed no sin here other than telling the truth. Unfortunately, sometimes the truth can bust out a few sections of mommy’s little white picket fence. Jeez, telling mommy you get a little “handsy” now and again is even worse than mentioning Mommy could do well by plucking a bit more of her moustache!

So tone it down with this big HONESTY binge. Vagueness is always your best option, it gives a guy room to maneuver, reducing the risk of being caught in the crosshairs of Mommy’s rancor.

While you're at it, if you could point us toward the re-runs of the bikini-babe show it would be appreciated.