Advice from the Professors

The heat of the night

From: Worthless

Question

Some guys I know say that the passion in a relationship lasts for 18 months at best. (It seems too that this is about how long a serious relationship usually lasts before it results in marriage.) For me it was more like 8 months. Is there statistical data about this? I'm curious on how and why I went from "a god" to "worthless" (ie: what happened?), and what a fairly normal guy can expect out there (ie: if I'm normal, or if as my Mommy says, I'm really just worthless.) Also, is there necessarily a correlation with the disappearance of the passion and the incidence of the wedding? Thank you.

Comments

Dear Worthless,

You ask three questions:

Question One:Is there any statistical data that shows that passion in a relationship lasts for 18 months?

Answer: You have come to the right place! We have been studying the Passion Span Phenomenon (PSP) for years and have the data you seek. The PSP in most relationships with a raptor pre-Mommy ranges from 8 to 24 months, with the mean being 18 months. At 8 months you were at the low end of the spectrum. But don’t feel you missed out on anything because our studies have shown that the first P in the PSP is largely an artificial device most raptor pre-Mommies use to wear down their prey – you. Statistically the average guy can only withstand the onslaught for 12 months. So why, you might ask, is the mean Passion Span 18 months and not 12? Simple. It takes the average raptor pre-Mommy 6 months to plan and execute a huge expensive wedding! Voila,18 months!

Question Two: Why have you gone from a god to worthless?

First, we hope you're ranking as "worthless" in general and is not connected to the Passion question.

Our studies indicate that most raptor pre-Mommies, especially the very attractive ones, have developed a greatly exaggerated self worth, equaling themselves to something approaching the Virgin Mary. This is usually caused by pre-Mommies-in-law, that groom and train the huntress. It's only logical that a young woman with such a high opinion of herself would have need to build up their future groom to the point of being a God. You see, it's not that she thought of you as a God for your sake, or even as part of her trap for you. It's that you needed to be a God for her sake, that you may be worthy enough for her to give herself up to.

Unfortunately, after the marriage, and after she's been exposed your mortal self over a few short years of under-achieving (after all, only God can hit a one iron) your worth in Mommy's eyes goes into an Enron-like freefall.

So there you have it. Your worth (probably somewhere in the middle between god and worthless) has been the same all along, and Mommy, the disillusioned investor, has made the classic mistake of buying at the top of her bubble.

Question Three: Is there any correlation between the disappearance of passion and the incidence of the wedding?

Answer: Yes. See answer to question one. See also the punch line to the very old joke, "Why is the bride always smiling?"

Glad to be of help, Profs. Bakeman and Krinbring