Advice from the Professors

Nuclear Winter

From: K.O. in Seattle

Question

Professors,

Even before Oppenheimer developed his deadly toy there has been in existence a destructive power that can never be equaled no matter how many megatons you pile-on. It's release is so devastating that today's "nuke" more resembles a small fourth of July celebration, in the backyard, where a sparkler is the featured attraction. Wielding immense power and destructive force, this "Mommy" weapon has reduced guys to lumps of jello, rendered them helpless, useless, utterly destroyed, and incapable of regaining membership back into the human race. Military planners and scientists have explored ways of harnessing this power, as an effective alternative to nuclear or chemical, and adding it to our country's arsenal. It's incapacitating power would leave a battlefield full of total zombies, wandering aimlessly from hill to hill, unable to speak nor function. This ultimate weapon is made up of the:

(sigh), "whatever", ( pout) EFFECT

It is also referred to as: "S.W.A.P."

Once the device is activated by the characteristic sigh, nothing can stop the ultimate chain-reaction. It's final detonation is not a loud "ka-boom", with the resultant mushroom cloud, it's that one word: "whatever". A lower yield device might have the word: "fine" as the trigger. Upon release, any guy within it's proximity is destroyed and left to suffer a horrible death alone. The fallout lasts for about three hours, or for a night's sleep, but in some cases, the nuclear winter can last for weeks. The ironic thing is the harder you try to counter the effect (i.e. ask: “what's wrong honey", or "what's your problem, anyhow") the radiation intensifies and sends the Geiger-counter off the scale.

How can this ultimate Mommy Weapon be neutralized or disarmed? How could such a seemingly innocuous series of events cause so much harm? Please help me understand this weapon so I might withstand the next attack without having to live in a shelter 24X7, repeating the phrase: "What Happened?"

Thank you.

K.O. Seattle

Comments

Dear K.O.,

We can surmise from your description of the device and it's effects that you may be in the early stages of a relationship. Because it is usually in these early stages that SWAP can have the devastating effect you have described.

In a relationship's early stages it is very difficult for a guy to develop anything resembling a weapon capable of First Strike Deterrence against Mommy. Her SWAP is as nasty as any dirty bomb that could ever be developed.

But take solace in the fact that there are two things upon which to look forward:

1. Your resistance to fallout will increase over time, and you will mutate into a deformed but resistant man, just like the newly discovered forms of bacteria that have been cropping up as a response against all the Mommy approved anti-bacterial soap, shampoo, and car wash on the market.

If you are like most guys, you'll survive the first few of Mommy's ICBMs of SWAP. Then you will be able to shrug off most further attacks with only a few "bunker moments" in your future!

This brings us to point 2.

2. As you go through life with Mommy, we strongly advise you to equip whatever domicile you have with a Mommy-proof bunker. This can be a shop, garage. workshop, or office. Hell, even a large closet will do if it has a strong lock. In short, as soon as you can, you should consturct an enjoyable retreat which is strong enough to withstand Mommy’s torrential rain of SWAPS.

Happy to be of help.

The Professors