Advice from the Professors

Revolting Inebriation!

From: Charles Firbolg

Question

Dear Professors,

Yesterday (Sunday) about 4:00pm my wife asked me what I intended to do since "you haven't done anything all weekend!" I responded that I intended to get drunk and proceeded to uncork a fine Merlot. I offered her a glass and she demurred with a cold stare. Thereupon I consumed the whole thing myself. She then asked what I was going to do now -- rather testily. I said I think I'll have another, whereupon I uncorked another Merlot. After the last delicious gulp she made the mistake of asking, "now what?" The look I got and the reference to me being a lout resulted in my lighting a cigar -- in the house I might add -- causing more displeasure. The distain was now more than I have seen in recent times and I confess I need help. WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR IMMEDIATE AND LONG TERM ACTIONS??? Charles Firbolg, Flummoxed in Seattle

Comments

Dear Flummoxed,
First let's examine the facts of what took place on your "Bloody Sunday":

1. You were around the homestead all weekend and hadn't at least feigned a Mommy-benefiting chore of some sort or other.

2. When Mommy caught you in her spotlight of accountability, you reacted with a revolt of inebriation.

Of course your actions were justified.

But the big issue here is your bold revolt in the face of Mommy's chore-centric attitude. You must ensure that episodes of overt revolt occur only rarely, like visits from Halley's Comet or moments when a sober Mommy may suggest oral sex. If you make this mistake more than once in a blue moon you will set Mommy's world akimbo by undermining her trust in you. Mommies are big on trust, as well as schedules, control, predictability in all things, the fundamental goodness of mankind and... speed bumps. You've unhappily surprised her (bad dog!) and demonstrated you can go out of control (bad, bad dog!), thus fueling her latent existential horror that the universe really is random. Her world is tilted out of balance, and she must right it the only way she knows-by reaming you out!

All guys should use our simple Binary Decision Making (BDM) process when evaluating their responses to any Mommy Moment, and you are no exception.

Here are the two options:

Do Nothing Or Run!

Two days have already past and you are still alive, so it's obvious that there was no need to run. Your immediate course of action is simply - Do Nothing.

But, you do need to take some long-term action. Since you just downed two bottles, make sure you have ample stock of Merlot for next weekend. We also strongly recommend you plan on some inconsequential future chore or project that you can use for cover while enjoying your fruit of the vine. Enjoy!

Profs. Krinbring and Bakeman