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Ask the Professor Q&A
Location: At Large
Reporting: Chas. Firblog Esq.
I was reading your web site recently want to thank you for the helpful tips your readers provide which serves to enhance the excellent book the two of you have written. Notwithstanding the general feeling I have that Professor Kringbring sometimes seems a little loose mentally the advice is always helpful.
I’d like to offer my own proven idea that has worked for me during sometimes tight situations with Mommy. Let me set the kind of scene I’m talking about. It’s one of those seemingly completely random blindsides all males receive usually prefaced by an emotional diatribe that includes, “you-have-no-idea-how-you-made-me-feel-ugly-and-cheap-the-other-night-at-the-Glotsnockers-house!! How-could-you-do-that-to-me?” You have no idea in hell what she’s talking about because dinner at the Glotsnockers was two months ago, you were in and out of a drunken haze during and after dinner and she drove home. And you haven’t been laid since but are petrified to ask why for fear of making matters worse, which it will. This is a crisis situation and while there are many solutions tried by scores of men- and I don’t imply here that I have a complete answer- I have perfected a technique that has worked for me and might also work for some of your readers too.
I call it Muffle-n-Ruffle. I have named it because I sense you guys like such cutesy names and I guess I do too, but so much for that. Here’s how MR works.
1. The setup – On an occasion where a loving event has occurred or your daughter has just completed a piano recital, you walk up to your bride with a look of joy on your face and gently place your hands on her cheeks just below the ears and ruffle your hands a bit. Your technique, if practiced, will be both caressing, something she likes but importantly she will be rendered stone deaf, as the ruffling will make it impossible for her to hear anything you say; but your expression will explain the loving or joyous, or sorrowful, or apologetic feeling you are attempting to purvey.
2. Practicing – Perform this maneuver several times over a reasonably long space of time so as to disconnect one usage from the last one in order to perfect your ability to make her deaf while emoting a positive message with you face, all the while your lips are moving with whatever the hell you want to say. Learn to be able to utter something Mommy thinks is horrible in public, with the obsequious smile on your face while ruffling her ears. Something like, while at the school recital, “Sweetie; I’d really like to bend you over that stage over there and bugger you within an inch of your life.” If you can do this while the likes of Mrs. Glotsnoker is only a few feet away thinking why doesn’t my man ever show that level of feeling, and Mommy is beaming back at you saying, “honey I couldn’t quite hear you because you were fondling my ears, you are ready to use MR in a work situation.
3. Now, Back to the Problem of an Unknown Nature which occurred at the Dinner at the Glotsnokers – Immediately upon hearing “. . . how-could-you-do-that-to-me,” reach forward with an apologetic smile and while ruffling her ears say anything you want ending with the words, “I feel awful about that and I want to make it up to you so let’s have a nice glass of wine and get in the hot tub, OK? [remembering that Mommy is always cold – thank you, professors for that tip]” The artful part here is to stop ruffling at exactly the right moment, just before the mea culpa part to elicit a reply like. “Charles, I didn’t know that you even remembered grabbing my tits at the Glotsnoker’s dinner table and that your unseemly behavior was praying on your mind and I appreciate the apology. ” Mommy will almost always end the problem right there, gratified that you have feelings and are remorseful. You then seal the deal by saying, "I think I'll open that bottle of Andrew Wiil Cabernet I bought the other day [which she does not know about and you've stored away for just this moment]." A sows ear is now a silk purse.
I hope this is helpful to all men who can perfect the ruffle technique. It’s not easy, and can’t be over-used but it has worked for me in very, very tough situations. More importantly, you don’t run the risk of over-apologizing, something that can occur when in fact you’ve been banging Mrs. Glotsnoker weekly for a very long time and you are, for obvious reasons fearful that Mommy is onto it.